small victories…..or not

Warning you now that I have been quite emotional over the last 2 days….so if you aren’t in the mood for it, stop here.

Haven't had a day like this in a long time.....

The scale was not kind to me this week.  A loss of just one pound.   I don’t know why….I could say it’s because it’s THAT time of the month or that maybe that extra slice of bread was too much.  I feel like I have been true to the plan-been tracking, done my exercise-completely avoiding junk even though I had all of my extra points for the week AND 8 activity points.

So what gives?

The woman weighing me acted like it was nothing, just wrote it down and handed me back my card.  I hadn’t even gotten one foot in my boot and she was already calling the person behind me to come to the scale.  I sat in my meeting (well, I stood in the back) and tried so hard to pay attention and clear my head after my weigh in.  I even listened when another member announced to the leader that she was so discouraged about only losing -.6lbs this time around.  The leader said what I thought she would say, “a loss is a loss.” Then she led everyone in a round of applause and gave the woman a star sticker.

A star sticker.  I left at this point. Maybe it’s just me….but telling me a loss is a loss will NEVER be good enough for me.  1lb down this week isn’t good enough!  1lb is something I lose after using the bathroom in the morning….not my total for the week.  Not when I have worked hard at avoiding the junk, and have made the effort to exercise. Not when I go to bed and think-gee should I have eaten those last 2 points I had available?  1lb loss….there’s no excuse for that!  I never want to be one of those people that has an excuse-I don’t believe in that.  I have heard so many when I attend these meetings:

“….muscle weighs more than fat”

“….a loss is a loss”

“….you’re exercising too much”

This will never ever be acceptable to me. EVER.  I won’t let it happen.

So now what? I went back to work and celebrated Chinese New Year with my coworkers ( I bought them lunch).  Did I eat some? Yes, but not before checking my points to see what was allotted.  But now I am wondering-is it worth it? Is it worth it to be this meticulous and pay attention to every detail but have a 1lb loss for the week? To me, it isn’t.

Thursday night is one of my exercise nights (Monday is the other).  I did not have a good experience at Strengthbox either.  I am thinking I have to re-evaluate if this place is for me.  I don’t have to be told that I have a long way to go….but at the same time, I want to feel that I had at least some ‘success’ after a workout.  I didn’t feel that way tonight-and it really upset me. a lot. The workouts are pretty intense but I don’t want to come out feeling bad because I couldn’t keep up.  It’s one of those ‘I-am-sick-of-being-last’ things.  To some, that may be motivation to work harder.  But when I am the only female in the class-I know that I can’t do the same things because genetically I am not as strong.  I wonder if that’s an excuse.  I don’t think it’s wrong to want to feel good after a workout though.  Tonight, I was just horribly frustrated and upset.

What does one do after a day like today? I don’t consider these “victories”  I am not going to just go with “a loss is a loss”

So here I sit for the moment-crying and typing.  lame, right?  I would love a solution-maybe it’s as simple as changing my mindset or maybe it’s as complex as re-evaluating the process.

What do you think? Making a mountain out of a molehill (oh how cliche)? Or valid point?

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  • MarciaF (beauty info zone)

    I’m not someone that should be preaching because I have a long way to go but what I’ve learned is that you are supposed to eat your allotted points and that you’ll lose more weight that way. Don’t get discouraged for a 1 lb. loss – there will be plateaus that you’ll need to get through. I hate weigh ins since I get discouraged at them too but you have to just take it one day at a time. (boy am I a cliche or what!)

    • meredith

      Thanks for this Marcia…I think I am still rather sensitive with this subject as I have struggled with my weight for a very long time. Weight problems run in my family (unfortunately) and for once, I would like to learn to “be in the middle” as I have always been at one end of the spectrum (either very light or very heavy). That may be part of the reason for the struggle-that I have never learned how to be balanced ?? Is that even the right word for it.

      I am quite hard on myself-and that will most likely never end. I take this very seriously and never want to feel that excuses have been made or have that “just a little bit won’t hurt” mentality. That’s what got me where I am today.

      I can’t look back…but I need to be able to move past this somehow. Time always tells…..

  • Brandon

    I think you are way too hard on yourself. Things always have a way of working out and you are putting in a lot of work – It can’t be great every single week but it’ll pay off in the end.

  • Anjali

    I want to hug you right now. Not because I feel bad for you, but because I know exactly how you feel. I can connect with this emotion and I can see exactly when in my life I’ve felt like this. It’s tough…it’s really f*ckin tough (excuse my language) but you’ve GOT to keep your head up. I know, I know, easier said than done…BUT it can be done. It was a bad week – you will absolutely have those in your journey. How you handle it is what’s important. Will you let this weight loss regime beat you up and make you quit? I think you’re more resilient than that. Will you let the gym intimidate you and make you feel like you’re not making progress – no way. They can’t bring you down, only you can bring you down. You started this whole journey for a reason – you WANT to make a change and you BELEIVE you can make a change. Don’t let yourself down. Accept that you had a bad week and stick with it. You’ll hate yourself if you quit. Give it more time, the days will get better, the pounds will come off, the workouts will be invigorating and your trainer will be shocked.
    This is YOU kicking life’s a$$, not the other way around.
    You can do it girl, I know you can.

    • meredith

      Thanks Anjali….this whole thing means a lot to me. I have put a lot of pressure on myself and when I see family members destroying their bodies with food and inactivity it intensifies the pressure.

      I think I have to find something that works for me. How people define ‘success’ is subjective….very individual. Maybe what I am doing now isn’t ideal….

      I have a lot of decisions to make. I am going to try WW for 3 months and see how it goes but if nothing is changing after the end of month 2, I may make a change earlier.

      Thanks for your words-I do appreciate them. I am hoping that I can deal with this-I haven’t been myself and it’s pretty noticeable.

      Hope to see you soon btw!

  • Jillojello

    I have been where you are for sure. It took me two years to loose 18 lb at weight watchers. I know I was my worst enemy, but I must say a minus (or a zero) in the pounds is always better than a plus.

    I remember loosing 2, 3 even 4 lbs every week for the first while, then BAM…nothing. It hurts but it just your body adjusting to things.

    You might want to find another place for meetings if you are unhappy at the meetings. I went to a place where I could go first thing in the a.m. so I wouldn’t alter my weight by eating anything at the begining of the day…but the people there sucked! Sucked big time. I hated the leader. So I switched to somewhere better and I was happy again.

    You will find your way, give yourself credit where credit is due. You’ve been following plan, exercising and eating well…that alone is an achievement and you should be proud of that.

    • meredith

      Jill, I do normally like the meetings-they are pretty convenient and ‘express’ meetings. Most likely that is because they are right downtown during the lunch hour. Full of financial district people-*rolls eyes*

      I think the staff there is overwhelmed because there are at least 75-100 people at these meetings and the line up for weigh-in never stops. I am going to speak with the leader and ask her if she can do a little ‘sensitivity 101’ with staff because it was an assembly line last time.

      This is going to be uphill for me for awhile….I can feel it. I just need to figure out a way to not let this consume me because right now it is and I hate the way I feel.

      Thanks for your encouragement-it’s good to hear from someone who has done it!

  • Wendy

    One thing that I’ve had to learn the hard way is that other people’s successes are not your failures. You worked hard and you LOST weight! Just think someone out there gained the pound you lost, and it’s not a part of you anymore! Also there could be a million reasons that you didn’t do as well as you’d hoped….many of those reasons are hormonal, and you can’t control that. I know I always gain a little at different times of the month in water weight.
    I believe in you, and I’ll echo your offer to me for support if you want it.

    • meredith

      Ah Wendy, I agree. I think it’s one of those ‘not what I wanted to hear’ moments. *sigh*

  • Lauren

    I totally know how you are feeling!! But, remember, Weight Watchers is designed so you lose slowly and consistently, with losses of 0.5 to 2lbs per week. I know you don’t want to hear “a loss is a loss”, so I won’t tell you that.

    Are you taking your measurements? You can try tracking inches lost AND pounds lost…you will see a difference, promise!

  • Patty Kamarinos

    I have awarded you with a Stylish Blogger Award! Yay!